The Underwear in My Shoe: My Journey Through IVF, Unfiltered by Brett Russo

Author:Brett Russo
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Houndstooth Press
Published: 2020-07-10T16:04:01+00:00

Chapter 19

19. Summer Druggin’

By the time round three was in full effect, so was summer. We decided to head to the shore for the weekend. The weather was supposed to be perfect. My parents’ house at the beach, which was typically a madhouse where cousins from all over New Jersey came to crash, was surprisingly vacant. Those weekends were amazing, and I used to live for them. But I needed some peace. I needed some quiet time. Not dealing with anyone outside the immediate family would be a great escape, and this weekend had the makings of being exactly what I needed.

Along with the little vacation from reality, Jack and I would have some time to get back on track. We had been drifting apart lately, connecting where we could but retreating further and further into our private worlds of hurt. We would have these words of encouragement and hugs for each other. But I was no dummy, and neither was he. This was all taking a toll on us in ways that I don’t even think we realized at the time. Dinners started to get quieter, and I found myself relieved when it was bedtime. Some days felt like I was just going through the motions. But that was okay for the time being. Emotionless was better than despair. Anything was better than the unspoken despair.

We packed all our injections carefully in a big cooler and headed south. Vince and Grace were going to come down too, as well as my parents. I was excited for the distraction and really looking forward to some good old-fashioned laughs within the nest. Being around people who knew what we were going through was such a relief.

I hated feeling like all eyes were on me, especially when the topic of having a baby was brought up. People by now knew we were having issues, and it was hard to confront their faces. Really hard. Vince and Grace had been so sensitive and understated their entire pregnancy, but my brother was hurting. I could tell he was living in the darkness with me. He was struggling with his own feelings. Being a twin, you feel each other’s pain in ways that are hard to explain. You are too connected not to. At times, I felt like he wished I could be pregnant instead of them just to relieve me of the pain I was feeling. His sadness was as deep as ours.

Grace, who deserved every moment of indulging in her own pregnancy, was a bit stripped of that attention. But she never seemed to mind, and she always went out of her way to steer the subject away from anything that had to do with pregnancy and kids. The tiptoeing around the subject may not have been fair for her, but I really appreciated it. I just knew I felt good being around them.

On Saturday morning, Jack and I woke up early and escaped to this little coffee shop we loved. It was built into the side of what was built up to look like a huge old-fashioned ship.

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